I wonder if Jesus was ever feeling deeply alone. If so, I wonder if that’s why I have felt that way for the past few weeks, and God is just building me? I have never felt this way in my life. I don’t fit in with the world and I don’t seem to fit in ministry, Or maybe I don’t fit in my own skin? Is this what it means to die and become something new? Is this where my mind with all of its wiring becomes nothing and my thoughts that are not God’s become something I just don’t understand? Lately I don’t even know who I am or what I am supposed to be doing here on earth. I have been founder of a ministry, created concerts and one music festival. Sold Real Estate. Led people to Jesus, Written sermons and preached once. I keep thinking I just want to crawl in a hole and die but then I am brought by unforeseen circumstances to my ringing phone and on the other end is someone that God used me to touch there life and I happened to be the only non family member that they called to share about what amazing things God is doing in there life. Is this the road all who are called into ministry travel on? If so then where are the tire tracks or the foot prints in the path well traveled on by pastors? I was involved in a church plant and involved in leading worship for another church’s college ministry. That all ended with the waive of a hand it seems.
So Who am I? What is my direction? I believe fully in The Bible that it is the infallible word of God. I believe in the works of The Holy Spirit. I believe that without my belief in Jesus Christ for salvation that I would never enter into heaven and be separated from God for eternity. I believe that God provides for me and my wife and my children. I believe in all of these things but the one thing I do not know how to believe in is my calling. ” Jesus be the stream in the desert.”
Last night, correction this morning at 4 am when I went to bed, after writing, or I should say trying to finish a term paper on the reliability of the New Testament. It seemed more of a convoluted scribble then a term paper. How much of the Bible I do not know nor understand yet. I thank God He is the teacher and understands my feeble and often distracted mind.
So back to my story.
I had this thought come to mind. 4 AM laying in bed. What if prayer was a dedicated practice instead of an opening and closing statement? What if I became more focused on prayer instead of focusing on the formation of ministry? But I do pray all the time, don’t I? With my children, with my Wife, at dinner, before reading the Bible, while sitting with other believers, while in the car, at church services. But is that enough? How do I truly press in to God? I desire to know His direction, to see His will unfold in my life and for the things I believe I am called to become, what He wants. I almost feel like a blind newborn rat looking for the nipple. Rummaging around till I somehow find the answer to my hunger. I know the substance is there… I read in the Word of the fulfillment that God provides, that He has a plan, that He is able, and that He desires for all to come to know Him! I read but do I pray? I plan, but do I pray? I want actions to turn into substance. Hmm maybe all of this IS creating the substance God desires to come out of my life?
Philippians 1:6 And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again. NLT
Thank you Lord! May I lay down my silly burdens and rest in You and Your promises.
This is a picture of our little family my wife drew on the wall of the shower in our last place we lived in, with erasable bath crayons. The green reptile was a bath toy that my daughter had at the time. I saw this and was moved to take a picture of it. This to me is a picture of where the enemy is in relevance to me and my family. This is not to say that we are with out temptation, sin, warfare or trials. We still live in a fallen world. But it ministered to me that God has placed the very enemy of my family and my soul at the bottom. It is a picture of victory, a picture of hope! The authority God has, the providence given to me and my family as children of The Most High God, King of Kings, Jesus Christ. My wife and I are people that have been set free from so much! Now by the grace of God each day we strive to live for Jesus, even if we are crying in a heap on the floor not knowing how to do that. The Lord helps us! We praise and worship God together as a family thankfull for His Word and for his truth!
And war broke out in heaven: Michael and his angels fought with the dragon; and the dragon and his angels fought, but they did not prevail, nor was a place found for them in heaven any longer. So the great dragon was cast out, that serpent of old, called the Devil and Satan, who deceives the whole world; he was cast to the earth, and his angels were cast out with him. Then I heard a loud voice saying in heaven,”Now salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death. Therefore rejoice, O heavens, and you who dwell in them! Woe to the inhabitants of the earth and the sea! For the devil has come down to you, having great wrath, because he knows that he has a short time.” (NKJV)
Then I saw an angel coming down from heaven, having the key to the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand. He laid hold of the dragon, that serpent of old, who is the Devil and Satan, and bound him for a thousand years; and he cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal on him, so that he should deceive the nations no more till the thousand years were finished. But after these things he must be released for a little while.
The devil, who deceived them, was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone where the beast and the false prophet are. And they will be tormented day and night forever and ever.