I wonder if Jesus was ever feeling deeply alone. If so, I wonder if that’s why I have felt that way for the past few weeks, and God is just building me? I have never felt this way in my life. I don’t fit in with the world and I don’t seem to fit in ministry, Or maybe I don’t fit in my own skin? Is this what it means to die and become something new? Is this where my mind with all of its wiring becomes nothing and my thoughts that are not God’s become something I just don’t understand? Lately I don’t even know who I am or what I am supposed to be doing here on earth. I have been founder of a ministry, created concerts and one music festival. Sold Real Estate. Led people to Jesus, Written sermons and preached once. I keep thinking I just want to crawl in a hole and die but then I am brought by unforeseen circumstances to my ringing phone and on the other end is someone that God used me to touch there life and I happened to be the only non family member that they called to share about what amazing things God is doing in there life. Is this the road all who are called into ministry travel on? If so then where are the tire tracks or the foot prints in the path well traveled on by pastors? I was involved in a church plant and involved in leading worship for another church’s college ministry. That all ended with the waive of a hand it seems.
So Who am I? What is my direction? I believe fully in The Bible that it is the infallible word of God. I believe in the works of The Holy Spirit. I believe that without my belief in Jesus Christ for salvation that I would never enter into heaven and be separated from God for eternity. I believe that God provides for me and my wife and my children. I believe in all of these things but the one thing I do not know how to believe in is my calling. ” Jesus be the stream in the desert.”
Last night, correction this morning at 4 am when I went to bed, after writing, or I should say trying to finish a term paper on the reliability of the New Testament. It seemed more of a convoluted scribble then a term paper. How much of the Bible I do not know nor understand yet. I thank God He is the teacher and understands my feeble and often distracted mind.
So back to my story.
I had this thought come to mind. 4 AM laying in bed. What if prayer was a dedicated practice instead of an opening and closing statement? What if I became more focused on prayer instead of focusing on the formation of ministry? But I do pray all the time, don’t I? With my children, with my Wife, at dinner, before reading the Bible, while sitting with other believers, while in the car, at church services. But is that enough? How do I truly press in to God? I desire to know His direction, to see His will unfold in my life and for the things I believe I am called to become, what He wants. I almost feel like a blind newborn rat looking for the nipple. Rummaging around till I somehow find the answer to my hunger. I know the substance is there… I read in the Word of the fulfillment that God provides, that He has a plan, that He is able, and that He desires for all to come to know Him! I read but do I pray? I plan, but do I pray? I want actions to turn into substance. Hmm maybe all of this IS creating the substance God desires to come out of my life?
Philippians 1:6 And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again. NLT
Thank you Lord! May I lay down my silly burdens and rest in You and Your promises.