I wonder if Jesus was ever feeling deeply alone. If so, I wonder if that’s why I have felt that way for the past few weeks, and God is just building me? I have never felt this way in my life. I don’t fit in with the world and I don’t seem to fit in ministry, Or maybe I don’t fit in my own skin? Is this what it means to die and become something new? Is this where my mind with all of its wiring becomes nothing and my thoughts that are not God’s become something I just don’t understand? Lately I don’t even know who I am or what I am supposed to be doing here on earth. I have been founder of a ministry, created concerts and one music festival. Sold Real Estate. Led people to Jesus, Written sermons and preached once. I keep thinking I just want to crawl in a hole and die but then I am brought by unforeseen circumstances to my ringing phone and on the other end is someone that God used me to touch there life and I happened to be the only non family member that they called to share about what amazing things God is doing in there life. Is this the road all who are called into ministry travel on? If so then where are the tire tracks or the foot prints in the path well traveled on by pastors? I was involved in a church plant and involved in leading worship for another church’s college ministry. That all ended with the waive of a hand it seems.
So Who am I? What is my direction? I believe fully in The Bible that it is the infallible word of God. I believe in the works of The Holy Spirit. I believe that without my belief in Jesus Christ for salvation that I would never enter into heaven and be separated from God for eternity. I believe that God provides for me and my wife and my children. I believe in all of these things but the one thing I do not know how to believe in is my calling. ” Jesus be the stream in the desert.”
When God seems silent it is OK. It just might mean that it is time to press in.
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles ,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.